I turned 30 last month. Exactly a week later, I left for a three week trip to Morocco and Portugal, and while I didn’t plan that trip as a birthday celebration (it was actually because it the cheapest week of the year for the tour, and I got days off work for Thanksgiving), I must say that a quick jaunt over to the Sahara dessert is about the best celebration I can imagine. I had a lot of thoughts about turning 30, or maybe more accurately I THOUGHT I should have a lot of thoughts about turning 30. The truth is that as of now, 30 feels about the same at 29 and 28 and 25. But when I think about all that’s happened since I turned 20 (in my grad center dorm room sophomore year with my roommates and a Paul’s Pastry king cake), I think about all the things I didn’t know yet and didn’t know that I didn’t know. I made a list of some of the things I’d tell my 20-year-old self, which are also the things I’d tell my college students now if they had any desire to hear me give them unsolicited opinions for way too long. And since no one should be subjected to that against their will, I decided to share them here.
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| 20th birthday |
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| 30th birthday |
30 Things I’d Tell My 20-Year-Old Self
(Or 30 Things I Would Tell My Students If They Wanted To Hear Me Talk At Them For An Hour)
1. You really do need to make sure you get your passport stamped when arriving in a foreign country. Even if it’s totally not your fault that the international airport is incompetent and doesn’t care if you pass through customs or not, track down someone to stamp the thing. Otherwise you might end up stuck for a nerve-wrackingly long time in the airport in Amsterdam being questioned about how you snuck into Italy for 2 months without any documentation—which is a fair and good question.
2. Never stop deliberately learning things. Read a book about a subject you know nothing about. Take a dance class in a style you've never heard of, just for fun. Learn to play chess or the piano or how to do a handstand. Sit down with the camel handler and ask him questions for half an hour about camels. Ask to sit in the cockpit of the plane to learn about turbulence from the pilot before take-off. It doesn't really matter what you decide to learn, just learn something. Don't let your life become boring to you.
3. Adopt a senior dog. Find the one you know in your heart might not have a chance at a home if not for you, and bring him home and love him fiercely. You’ll never regret it for a second. But do first make sure you have enough money for his medical expenses, and be prepared to accept help with him when it’s offered. (And never, ever take for granted the loved ones who will keep him while you’re riding camels in the desert for 3 weeks.)
4. Do NOT buy a dog from a fancy breeder and spend an entire month’s salary on him before you even meet him, even if he is adorable. (I learned this the hard way, and it will never not be a sore subject.)
5. Get to know your doctor(s) (and your pet’s doctor). Tell them things that are important and relevant to knowing you. For example, don’t be afraid to tell them that you’re a severe hypochondriac and that 90% of the time you come in you’ll be looking for reassurance that you don’t have some obscure illness that you may or may not be imagining the symptoms for. They will not judge you for this, and it will save you a lot of money in superfluous lab work.
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| Never stop learning things |
6. But also, if something hurts or feels wrong, don’t let doctors (especially male doctors) shrug it off immediately and tell you it’s only anxiety. It very well may be, but it also may take a year, 8 doctors, and 2 physical therapists to find someone with the good sense to realize that you had a severe vitamin deficiency that no one bothered to address.
7. Do not use Web MD or any similar site. Ever. Block them all.
8. Write letters. On paper. With your hand. Put them in the actual mail. You will shock and delight someone.
9. In my experience, fear and phobias tend to get worse instead of fade. Don’t wait to address and deal with them, and don’t put off doing things you want to do because you assume one day you’ll be braver. This is something you get to decide instead of something that is decided for you.
10. Exercise truly does help with stress and anxiety. It’s not just a thing doctors say. In my experience, it helps as much or more than medication.
11. Go to reunions! I went to my 10 year high school reunion and my 5 year college reunion in my 20s. I know a lot of people who were bitter and negative about going back to a place where they did not have a positive experience (high school), but I don’t know one person who went and regretted being there. Both of those experiences were two of my favorite memories of the past decade.
12. Hold onto old friends. If you’re lucky enough to still have friends from childhood, recognize how rare and special that is. New friends are wonderful, but no one else will ever be able to reminisce with you about the time you were voted “most dependable” by the 8th grade class and were forced to go to the Valentine’s Dance to pose for a photo with the court, but how you fled before the music started for fear you might be expected to dance. And it would be a tragedy to not be able to reminisce about that with someone.
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| About 65 cumulative years of friendship in this photo |
13. Ignore all the negativity you hear from your peers about about physically aging. The consensus I hear seems to be that after about 25, everything all of a sudden hurts and you gain half your body weight overnight and your days of athleticism are over, and it’s basically all downhill from here. When I was between 22 and 25, I was in the worst shape of my life. By the time I was almost 29, I started aerial circus classes, and at 29 and a half I started tango dancing. Ignore arbitrary timelines that don’t have to apply to you. Also, know that my friend Robert is 93 years old and goes tango dancing until midnight every Friday night. He started dancing when he was 90. And if you take away one thing from this post, please let it be that fact.
14. People have a lot of very strong opinions about travel that they get from the media. A lot of people were horrified that I lived near Harlem, horrified when I lived in DC, and most horrified of all when I moved to New Orleans. I consistently got comments like, “You’re not going to LIVE there, are you??” in the same tone of voice they might use if I casually told them I was moving to Syria. It was so persistent that it freaked me out for a long time. Ignore those people. Use common sense. Don’t walk around alone on dark streets at 2:00am. Lock your car doors. And recognize that the people who say these things are people who developed these fears while sitting at home in front of their TVs instead of experiencing the place they’re afraid of. (This is especially true in regard to different countries and cultures.) Politely ignore them. You cannot be afraid to merely exist in the world.
15. I’ve blogged about this before, but it is worth saying again—don’t let being alone prevent you from doing anything. Never let not having company be a reason you don’t go to that restaurant or do that hike or take that road trip or move to a new city. It’s nice if people want to join you and if they are as excited as you are, but do not let their apathy hinder you. This is especially true for travel. If I’d waited for friends or family or a significant other to travel with me, I would have never left Mississippi. You do not need other people to enjoy traveling. In fact, I’d encourage you to deliberately travel alone sometimes even if you could choose to have company. There are few things more inspiring, more confidence boosting, or more freeing. And you’ll meet plenty of people on the way.
16. This is specific to my artist friends—be sure you support your fellow artists. As many conflicting opinions as there are about MFA programs and whether they are worth the money, one thing I truly loved about my MFA program is that it felt like I gained a team of support, and there is no price tag for that. Buy your writing pals’ books! Tell the world to buy their books! Even if their writing is not your preferred genre or your favorite thing you read this year, it will be for someone else. Few people in the world understand the work that goes into creating a book (or film or art exhibit or album or even just a published essay)—as someone who does understand, make sure you show them the support and recognition they deserve and the kind you’d hope to receive yourself. Be inspired by people’s success, not jealous of it.
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| Reasons to get an MFA: every one of these people |
17. On the subject of jealousy, that’s easier said than done, of course. Something I struggled with for a long time after college (and sometime still) was being jealous of people who I perceived had an easier time than I did financially. Going to an extremely wealthy college meant that money was not a concern for most of my friends, and hardly any of them graduated with students loans. I pay A LOT each month in loans, and it used to make me feel bitter to see groups of my former classmates casually traveling the world together before they even had jobs. (How does one take 3 huge international trips each year when they are in grad school and getting paid, at best, a small stipend??) I couldn’t help but think about how much nicer my apartment would be, the car I could buy to replace the one I got in high school, all the travel I could do, and all the money I could save if I didn’t have to pay my student loans. BUT at the same time, there is no amount of money I would trade for my undergrad and graduate experiences. None. (And truthfully, Brown was so generous with financial aid that I went there cheaper than I could have gone to any Mississippi state school.) I will never regret the choices I made about school, and it will forever be one of the greatest gifts of my life that I had the chance to go to them. I cannot help that I wasn’t born into a wealthy family, just like my parents can’t help that they weren’t either, but I can choose how to think about money now. I can choose to pursue a career where I earn lots of money, or I can choose to pursue a career I really care about (I’ll let you guess which I picked). I can figure out how to make money work, and I can recognize how incredibly lucky I am to be able to do that and how lucky I was to grow up with the things I had. I can also recognize that I will never take for granted the things that I might have if money had always been easy.
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| Easily one of the top 5 most memorable moments of my 20s |
19. Try your best to not hold grudges. When someone treats you badly, it’s easy to turn a cold shoulder and refuse to talk to them until they reach out to you. And that’s okay. If you need to cut off communication with someone who is bad for you, certainly do that. But if doing that ends up feeling like you’re in sixth grade and giving someone the silent treatment when you’d rather feel like being the bigger person and reaching out to acknowledge the issue, that’s fine, too. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
20. There is sometimes such thing as too much honesty. As a general rule, I think most people should be more direct and honest than they have the nerve to be, as long as they are sensitive in the way they deliver their honesty. If your friend asks what you think of her new boyfriend, there are so many appropriate layers of honesty between a lie (He’s so great!) and the bluntest form of truth (He seems like a boring loser, what’s wrong with you?). It is still honest to say, “You know, I’m not sure how much I can base on a first impression, but I worry that he didn’t seem to make you very happy—what makes you interested in him?” But when it’s something unsolicited that serves no purpose except to make someone feel self-conscious, rethink saying it. Telling your friend, “I heard a stranger at the Christmas party say that your muffins tasted like sawdust and also that your tights don’t match your dress” is not productive to anyone, and think hard about why you have an impulse to share it.
21. Take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Even when people get annoyed at you for taking the time to take pictures. Still take pictures. You will never regret having photos later, but you definitely might regret not having them. Also, make sure you’re in some photos—that it’s not always you behind the camera. There are very few picture that exist of me from middle school through early college because I was always the one taking the photos and felt too self-conscious to include myself in any pictures. It wasn’t until my early 20s that I realized I’d want to be included in those visual memories when looking back later, no matter how self-conscious I felt in the moment. But also, don’t take ONLY photos of yourself. One day you might want to remember what the holiday lights in NYC looked like on your first visit to the city and not just what your makeup looked like that day.
22. Also, get some headshots. There will be a time when you need a professional photograph of yourself for a publication bio or work website or Linkedin profile, and if you don’t have headshots ready, you’ll find yourself trying to crop your baby niece out of photos, even though she is in your arms and this is an impossible task. (This became increasingly difficult for me as I got more things published because every photo of myself was of me and my niece, or me in an owl hat, or me hugging a stuffed llama.) My sister always told me to be sure to get some headshots in my twenties before the wrinkles, and I suppose that’s a fair reason to get them, as well. I asked a photographer friend to do some for me a couple months ago, so I just made the cut.
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| Example of "a photo you cannot crop for publication" |
24. You do not need to find a spouse in your twenties or have children or even think about children or ever have children if you don’t want to. Ignore everyone who has an opinion about this that they think you need to hear.
25. Make sacrifices for people that matter. Remember friends birthdays. Show them that they matter. Show up for people, even if it’s inconvenient for you. But also keep a healthy perspective about what you’re physically able to give. Visit your friend in the hospital after surgery. Buy their kid a birthday present. Feed their cat while they’re out of town. But if you can’t afford to go to Bali for their wedding even though you’d love to, don’t feed badly or like you’re wronged them (Sorry Frances!!).
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| Sam made this for me 8 years ago when I was applying to grad school I didn't think I'd get into |
27. Read books. I believe books make people more curious, more emotionally intelligent, more observant, more generally knowledgeable, and more inspired. It can feel hard to make time to read, but everyone can read more than they actually do. I used to be opposed to E-readers, and I still vastly prefer real books, but getting a Kindle last Christmas drastically affected how much I’m able to read (I use it on machines at the gym and while on public transportation and when it’s too dark to see a real book). Always keep a book or kindle in your purse so you can read in waiting rooms, while you’re on hold with the electric company, while you’re waiting in line to get on the bus, and while you wait for your take-out order. Have an audiobook downloaded to listen to in the car and at the gym. One of the best discoveries I made in the past few years is the Overdrive (or Libby) app. All you need is a library card from your local library (which, if you haven’t had a library card since you were in elementary school, I’ll go ahead and remind is still FREE), and you can access all of the library’s Ebooks and audiobooks. You can check out like 15 at a time and there are no late feeds because they are automatically returned online once you’re done with them. It’s the absolute best and most under appreciated invention.
28. Learn how to make baked goods that are not from a box. Even though you’ll still make them from a box 95% of the time. But that other 5% of the time you might win an award at the baking competition at work, and what title could you ever want other than winner of the “weird and wild” category of baked goods?
29. Don’t be afraid of failing. What is the actual worst that can happen if you apply to that school/job that you don’t think you’re qualified for or submit to that magazine that you’re certain won’t accept your story? What do you have to lose?
30. Don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t make an Instagram for your dog(/cat/guinea pig/possum).
When I think about my 20s, I’ll think about how they were saturated fall colors and ghost stories. They were snow storms that felt endless and warm socks and 2:00am subway rides. They were 8 different bedrooms in 6 different states and 7 cross-country moves. They were 2 graduations and over 500 books read and more pages than I’ll ever know written and around 600 students who had to listen to me talk about said books and words. They were magical summers on Aventine Hill and in Castile and Leon, endless hours of walking to Wickenden Street, Saturday morning coffee shops in Nashville, bike rides every weekend from Bethesda to Georgetown, rooftop parties in Manhattan, and doing circus tricks and dancing around churches in New Orleans. They were waiting rooms and hospitals and new family members and sad goodbyes and a handful of places and people who felt like home.
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When I think about my 20s, I’ll think about how they were saturated fall colors and ghost stories. They were snow storms that felt endless and warm socks and 2:00am subway rides. They were 8 different bedrooms in 6 different states and 7 cross-country moves. They were 2 graduations and over 500 books read and more pages than I’ll ever know written and around 600 students who had to listen to me talk about said books and words. They were magical summers on Aventine Hill and in Castile and Leon, endless hours of walking to Wickenden Street, Saturday morning coffee shops in Nashville, bike rides every weekend from Bethesda to Georgetown, rooftop parties in Manhattan, and doing circus tricks and dancing around churches in New Orleans. They were waiting rooms and hospitals and new family members and sad goodbyes and a handful of places and people who felt like home.
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